The Kappa and the Rabbit
by Cssz
Summary: Rule (9) of the Internet: "There is a Touhou version of it. No exceptions". None at all, not even the tale of the tortoise and the hare...


"I'm sure most of you have heard of this story; a tale told to children by their parents to instil the moral value found within it. But not many actually know of the actual story behind it; what had really happened...

It was a long time ago, on a fateful day where the two met; the young, aspiring kappa, Kawashiro Nitori, and the mischievous leader of the rabbits of the infamous bamboo forest.

Little ol' Nitori was on her way to the Human Village. You see, she was a great mind among the kappa, and is known to be a great inventor of sorts, and that very day, she had decided to promote her latest invention: the 'Moment Capturing Device' which, as the name states, captures everything that can be seen through the device at that very moment. Shy as she was, it was her friends' and family's support and encouragement that had given her the courage to stand up and share her inventions with the world.

Another reason, though, was for her to earn a quick buck, which would allow her and her family to more easily pay for their taxes. The cost of living on Youkai Mountain isn't as cheap as one may think, and is DEFINITELY not free, not as long as that greedy old tengu leader -who considers himself the king of the mountain- is alive.

On the other end, there was Tei...

You see, rabbit youkai; that is, rabbits who have lived long enough to transcend their nature and turn into youkai, are known to be a mischievous bunch. Though harmless to humans, they do, however, seek fun and entertainment in pulling off light pranks just for laughs.

Tei, also the one who was most respected by the rabbit youkai, was known as the most playful one of them all. Her pranks, however, can sometimes cross the line, though those were almost always accidents.

What had started off as a simple joke turned horribly awry when a hurtful comment without any harmful intentions were directed upon the young kappa. Her product was turned down quickly, bringing the girl to tears; even though the rabbit had no such intentions in the first place.

The saddened kappa was in tears until a bright idea popped up in her head; the one easy way to show the world her genius. She then proposed a challenge to playful bunny. Refusing to admit it was her fault, Tei accepted the challenge.

The next few days passed fairly quickly as the day of their challenge approached; a race across a map decided by the flipping of a coin. A rather fair deal, the both of them thought. Heads would pit the two against each other around the foot of the Youkai Mountain, while tails would mean having the race across the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. A fair trade, they thought, as both would have an upper hand depending on the side up.

As the coin was flipped, the arrogant bunny smirked, knowing her luck would bring her through. The coin landed on the ground as the bunny need not even look to know which side was facing upwards: tails...

Tei was well-known for her great luck. She would easily scam random strangers in gambles at times, as she sees it as an easy source of income. Little did she know she was in for a big surprise this time...

Ready for the challenge, the two made their way to the entrance to the bamboo forest. Unbeknownst to them, they were being followed by two mysterious figures from the distance.

"Pyonta..." the figure in the bushes whispered. "Is your master really okay with you leaving her for the day?"

"No problem. She be okay, yes. Pyonta know; know God long time, yes," the reply was followed with a slight chuckle. "Little-girl God be fine, yes..."

And somewhere far away, the ex-god of the Moriya shrine sat with blank eyes, drooling and unable to respond to any sort of stimuli from her priestess...

* * *

The two finally made their way to the site; the very entrance to the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. As the name states, many have found themselves lost within this forest. Legend has it, a curse had been put upon this very forest, to trap and kill unsuspecting humans. None of it is true, though. Truth is, it was just the moon princess, Kaguya's, doing. Tei, however, found it as a very convenient way to earn a buck from guiding these lost victims; as such, she knew the forest like the back of her hand. She was more than confident that she would win the race for sure!

Yet in the distance, the two dark figures watched our two young girls.

"This is it, Pyonta! Now's your chance! Check it! What does it say, Pyonta?"

"Pyonta checking, yes."

"Pyonta, hurry! They're about to start the race. Once they do so, it'd be hard to scan it since they wouldn't be in the same spot for too long! Now Pyonta! What does the scouter say about the bunny's Fortune Level?"

"Pyonta... see... I-Is... Is o-over... IS OVER LIMIT!" the second voice said, followed by the sound of crushing metal.

All the while, the two girls glared at each other.

"Pfft, pathetic kappa! I know this place like the back of my hand!" said the bunny, quoting back the narrator. "I can cross it with my eyes closed!" the boastful bunny continued.

The kappa could only return her gaze, though deep inside, she knew. She knew she could win as she had her trump card under her sleeve.

"Okay... on your marks," the poor, red-white shrine maiden -who was forced to judge the race- said in a monotonous voice. "Get set, *yawn* go..."

And with that, the bunny dashed off, sticking her tongue back at the kappa who was barely catching up. All the time, the kappa kept her eyes locked onto her device; a mechanism that allowed her to navigate herself through the forest without getting lost; her metal boots gradually increasing in speed for every step she took...

A mere minute had passed when Tei had reached the half-mark. In her head, her overconfident ego had inflated like a planet-sized balloon. She was laughing maniacally, knowing the race would be leaning far beyond her side. She didn't just have the upper hand; she didn't just have victory within her reach, she was already embracing it, wrapping it tightly upon her chest... her flat, ironing board...

It was then that she was stopped by a pair of unknown visitors...

"Tei Inaba..." the first figure said, before emerging from the shadows, revealing herself to be one of the gods residing in the mountains. "All your life, you have had such fortune, yet unknowingly absorbing fortune out of those around you like a vacuum. And now you must pay..."

"Who are you?" said Tewi.

"She be Spinny God, yes," said the other figure.

"Tei Inaba," the first one called out again. "I am the Curse Goddess, but you can call me Hina-sama. You see, as I've explained, you need to 'donate' some of your Fortune to the more needy and-"

"Wait, wait..." the bunny interrupted. "You're a Curse Goddess, aren't you?"

Hina nodded.

"Then why are you taking on the duties of a God of Misfortune?"

"Wait..." the goddess pondered. "Yeah, good point..."

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" the second figure, Pyonta, chuckled, with a snort between each one. "She be watching too much cartoon, yes?"

"Oh shut up, you!" Hina replied, annoyed. "And I'll have you know, cartoons and anime are two COMPLETELY different things, okay!?"

The two then turned back and returned home. The bunny watched in shock and much confusion as the Curse Goddess left, spinning all the way back, along with the floating hat with eyes.

Such madness, she thought. What was all that about? As she stood there, pondering about what had just happened, a sudden gust of wind blew her off balance.

And then she realised how she was being left behind; watching the kappa pass by from behind her, leaving a trail of dust and after-images. At once, the rabbit dashed through the forest without a second thought, and upon reaching near the finishing mark, she outran the kappa, overtaking her whilst taunting her. What the proud and arrogant rabbit did not know, however, was what lied ahead...

Right as she turned to face ahead, the kappa's grin grew wider than ever before. In slow-motion the rabbit watched as dozens upon dozens of bullets were fired, aimed directly at her, by a couple of rapid-firing guns planting right at the finishing point. Within seconds the rabbit fell to her knees, unable to graze the rain of bullets; having being caught off-guard.

"So what do you think of my sentries, rabbit?" Nitori said with a smug. "Now does THIS prove to you my genius!?"

And so with that, the kappa finished the race, beat the rabbit, rubbed it in her face and forced an apology out of her. And she lived happily ever after!

So the moral of the story, kids, is-"

"MARISA!" the red-white maiden shouted from afar. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT MY SHRINE!? AND WHY DID YOU BRING CIRNO AND HER GANG!?"

"Oh, I was just telling them a story, ze," the black-white replied.

The shrine maiden locked her gaze upon the black-white, then switching from one to another; from Marisa, to the ice fairy, to the night sparrow, to the firefly, to the ball of darkness, to the green-haired fairy, and then back to the witch. With her grumpy expression still on, she grabbed the book from her acquaintance's hands.

"Let's see... The Kappa and the Rabbit... what nonsense is this!?..."


End file.
